Knuckles was re-reading the transcript of Dan Rather's interview with Saddam Hussein.
The funniest lines belonged to Dan, so Knuckles left them 100% untouched. Knuckles has longed believed that the translator was actually in the payroll of the French and therefore untrustworthy. So using sophisticated, proprietory methods, Knuckles has retranslated Saddam's responses.
So, here goes:
The two men are sitting. Saddam removes Dan's hand from his thigh. A little hurt, Lather straightens up and begins...
Lather: I want to ask questions in two categories, please. Category one would be those questions that I think many, if not most, of Americans would like to have answered about the news of right now. And in category two, more philosophical questions.
Saddam: If someone asked a question like that in my country, she would have her tongue surgically removed.
Lather: Mr. President, do you intend to destroy the Al-Samoud missiles that the United Nations prohibits? Will you destroy those missiles?
Saddam: No.
Lather: I want to make sure that I understand, Mr. President. So, you do not intend to destroy these missiles?
(SKIP IN TAPE)
Lather: Mr. President, I do appreciate your agreeing to spend an hour, because I want to ask questions in two categories, please.
Lather: So, you do not intend to destroy these missiles?
Saddam: In my country, the only questions in two categories are Uday and Qusay. I can hardly wait for them to marry and spawn my grandchildren.
(OVERTALK)
Saddam: We have no weapons and we threw out the weapons inspectors to prove it.
Lather: B--
Saddam: Do you want to be firmly disciplined?
Lather: Yes, please.
Saddam: Then be a good bingo caller and move on.
Lather: What do you consider to be the core issues? You said that I had started - and indeed, I started with the news of the day. But what do you consider to be the core issue, the basic issue?
Saddam: My sphincter. Your tongue.
Lather: Mr. President, do you expect to be attacked by an American-led invasion?
Saddam: Yes and the vast bulk of my conscripted army will collapse so quickly that it will cause the American left to love and embrace us just as they love and embrace all of history's murderous blowhards. Hmmmm, blowhard.
Lather: Are you afraid of being killed or captured?
Saddam: You will lose your fingers for your impertinence-
(OVERTALK)
Saddam: May I finish?
Saddam: Thank-you. I can hardly wait to meet you at the Mayflower tonight.
Lather: Mr. President, I have all night. (LAUGHTER)
Saddam: Oh, you’ve been a bad boy and will be punished by daddy.
Male Voice: Are you satisfied with translation?
Lather: Yes, no, the translation is excellent. It's superb.
Saddam: Good. Because you can be a very strange man at times.
Lather: I understand. Mr. President, Americans are very much concerned about anyone's connections to Osama bin Laden. Do you have, have you had, any connections to Al Qaeda and Osama bin Laden?
Saddam: Yes. Bin Laden gets me into all the coolest clubs. Without him, I would have to feed the guys at the door into a industrial plastic shredder. (CHUCKLES) Ah, those were good times...good times.
Lather: Mr. President, I believe I can report accurately that it's a major concern in the minds of the people in the United States.
Saddam: But as I told Michael “Are-My-Man-Boobs-And-Gut-Covering-The-Thing-Bad-Girls-Laughed-At-Yet” Moore last night as he massaged the root cause of my 'roids--… er, what was the question again?
Lather: Do you or do you not agree, in principle, with the attack of 9/11?
Saddam: It was a terrible, terrible thing. In principle.
Lather: Mr. President, have you been offered asylum anywhere? And would you, under any circumstances, consider going into exile to save your people death and destruction?
Saddam: (SPEWS COFFEE) Save my p-people from death? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. (WIPING TEARS FROM EYES)
Oh, Dan, I cherish you like I do the children in the General Security Services headquarters. Because you make me laugh.
END OF PART I
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