It’s funny because it’s true

Came across this twelve-year old list of a Canadian bank’s advertising dos and don’ts. The ad agency’s writers and art directors collected the rules over the course of client meetings, production shoots, and focus group sessions.

The rules would be in effect for posters, brochures and print ads as well as the touchy-feely, dream-building television ads. The rules were often contradictory. But the agency was making PILES of cash so they only nodded in agreement and kept the pigs out of the ads.

Here’s the list of MegaBank’s Golden Rules of Advertising:

Rule #1…No pigs!!!!
Rule #2…Produce one poster because that’s all the money we have.
Rule #3…Produce separate posters for farms, the Maritimes, Prairies, west coast, upscale, downscale, young, old, fat, thin, redheads, ethnic, disabled, etc.
Rule #4…No dogs named Sandy; it’s offensive to all branch staff named Sandy.
Rule #5…No trips to New York - only Torontonians go there.
Rule #6…Use no place names; this excludes people who don’t go there.
Rule #7…No dreams of fishing; only a minority fish.
Rule #8…No blonde and blue-eyed customers used in Quebec; nobody in Quebec looks like this.
Rule #9…No pictures of families - people don’t live in families any more.
Rule #10…We need to use more ethnics - our ads are racist.
Rule #11…We need to use fewer ethnics - we’re excluding most of our customer base.
Rule #12…We need to use all single women - we’re sexist.
Rule #13…No pictures of a woman’s head on a man’s shoulders.
Rule #14…No pictures of men who look too Ukranian.
Rule #15…No dreams of golfing at St.Andrews - customers assume it’s a sexist golf course somewhere in the Maritimes.
Rule #16…Don’t even hint at cross-border shopping.
Rule #17…Blondes do not marry blondes - never use a photo of two blondes. (especially in Quebec - see #8)
Rule #18…Males do not inherit farms.
Rule #19…Asians cannot act in Shakespeare, so they’d never dream about it.
Rule #20…Do not use props in photography because it excludes people.
Rule #21…Use props in photography or else the pictures are boring.
Rule #22…Do not use ethnic customers in Quebec ads - all of them are cabdrivers.
Rule #23…No one from Alberta has ever gone to New York, and all of them live on farms and see pigs every day.
Rule #24…Any Asians used in ads must look assertive and confident because that’s the way Asians are.
Rule #25…Everyone is an expert on the most minute advertising details, especially people who’ve never worked advertising - all advertising must address all of their opinions.

Knuckles knows that there are ad guys out there looking at this list and muttering, "Only 25 rules? Hell, we had a client that wanted..."