Knuckles has longed believed that the translator was actually in the payroll of the French and therefore untrustworthy. So using sophisticated, proprietory methods, Knuckles has retranslated Saddam's responses.
The funniest lines of course belonged to Dan, so Knuckles left them 100% untouched and uncut. The few lines uttered by Saddam are in blockquotes.
Here's Part I.
And here is Part II:
Saddam: I tire of this whole ass-fucker Saddam schtick. This whole “Sodom” Hussein thing is being done better by South Park. With pictures and flames and everything. Look, once you’ve bitchslapped Satan, there’s not much else left to do. So would you rather call it night, Dan? Or are you so bereft a life that you have nothing else to do but suffer the steaming abuse that I heap upon your infidel skull?
Lather: Again, I have plenty of time, Mr. President.
Saddam: Of course you do. Sorry I missed you when you were doing your stand up reports from Afghanistan and the Gulf War. We could have had a couple laughs.
Lather: (Mumbling)
Saddam: You know Dan, I just love coming to New York. Especially after the skyline’s been cleaned up of some of those tall buildings. Hey! I kid because I love.
Actually, speaking of stand-up, I’m working out some new material at Carolyn's Comedy Club tonight. (PULLS SHEAF OF CRUMPLED, BLOODY PAGES FROM INSIDE JACKET POCKET) Hahahaha, my gagwriters worked on them all night and boy are their arms missing. Hahahahah!
Lather: Mr. President, you’re being very patient with your time, and I want you to know I consider this a solemn moment in history, and, if I may, take time to have you speak to the American people about questions that I know are on their minds. I just want you to know that I appreciate your patience here.
Question: You mentioned, and ‘and the Gulf War.’ You fought the father, George Bush the first. He and the forces he led prevailed on the battlefield. Now you face the son who has an even greater, even more modern, even more lethal military force aimed directly at your (Lather mumbling: Knuckles believes he’s says “throbbing member”). Why would you think that you could prevail this time on the battlefield? Or do you?
Saddam:
In 1991 Iraq was not defeated. In fact, our Army withdrew from Kuwait according to a decision taken by us…And, as you know, we have not committed any aggression against the United States…I actually want to take time to explain to you that we’re always gentle, we refer to people as gentle––
(ERUPTS LAUGHING) Hahahaha, see what I did there? Funny, huh? (TO CAMERA) That’s just a taste of what you’ll get at Carolyn’s tonight at 9 and again at 11. Two shows, because that’s what Saddam’s all about. Giving. Sadly, I’m being persecuted by Chancellor Bush. Just like Howard Stern––
Lather: I understand when he calls him Mr. Bush.
Saddam: When who calls what? What’s the frequency, Kenneth?
Lather: I understand now.
Saddam: Of course you do. Let’s play a word association game. Junior.
Lather: Senior?
Saddam: Very good. I feel like I’m examining a replicant in Bladerunner. If you were in charge of this war, what would you order the military to do?
Lather: Cease fire.
Saddam: Can I go? I need to take a nap before my gig at Carolyn’s at 9 and again at 11. (SIGHS) Okay, I’ll stay. You know, Dan, I was thinking of opening my act with this: Iraq didn’t lose the Gulf War. We just temporarily conceded the battlefield in the interest of world peace. (LONG PAUSE) That sounded a lot funnier last night.
Lather: Mr. President, respectfully, a lot of Americans are going to hear that and say, what is this man talking about, as all of those Iraqi tanks coming out of Kuwait with the turrets knocked out indicated a beaten army on the battlefield. There’s no joy in my saying that. But the point is I’m asking you to explain what you mean that you were not defeated in the - war, because I can report to you with accuracy that, overwhelmingly, the American people believe that that was a resounding defeat for you and for Iraq.
Saddam: Politics is show biz, Dan. You bomb at the Riviera, you go the Flamingo. If it doesn’t work out in Vegas, you play the Catskills. But the important thing I tell my sons Uday and Qusay is you don’t quit.
That’s why I agreed to come on your show. I want to announce my debut as a triple threat entertainer. Comedy, scowling, and firing rifles off balconies. I’ll be bigger than Leno and Elvis combined. None of them had a moustache. That’s going to be my trademark. Like Michael’s Moore grotesque corpulence.
(CHECKS WATCH) Wouldja lookit the time. Howard Stern expected me to swing by 10 minutes ago. (CHUCKLING) We’re going to throw slices of pimento loaf at a stripper's ass. In Iraq, we play a similar game with pimento loaf made from a stripper's ass. Even if she's not a stripper. (CHUCKLES AND WIPES EYES) Ahh, good times, Dan. Good times.
Well, if you ask nice, I might stay.
Lather: Please.
Saddam: Not nice enough. Whoa, hey, that’s nicer! At least for me... (DELETED SCENE CUT DUE TO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT WITH SOUTH PARK.)
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